On the Move
I was living in a clean and sober house right across the street from the Church of Christ. The house was really hard to live in. I’d wear red angry lipstick and mad mascara most of the time. There was never any privacy. You had to share your room and closet with other roommates and one bathroom with 10 girls. I felt like I was going crazy hearing voices constantly through the paper-thin walls.
When things started getting really bad, I went to the tall tan church building across the street for a break from the chaos. Everyone was so nice there.
I met a man named Charles. He had 11 years clean and invited me to an NA meeting. I was so happy to get some support. We often spent time together. He turned out to be the nicest guy. My makeup looked really on point because I was so happy all the time.
I wrote in my journal often, about the first time he asked me out and later if we wanted kids and if we wanted to get married. Journaling helped me realize I wanted someone to accept me for who I was, knowing about my addiction, and treat me like I was someone special. And he did that. Then in November, he got sick with pneumonia and spent three weeks in the ICU on a ventilator.
Due to Covid, I couldn’t visit him until he was gravely ill. One day his sister called me and said we could come and finally visit. I read Charles a letter explaining how much he meant to me. The doctors took him off his ventilator and he passed away a few hours later. My heart was totally broken. Every night I cried no matter what I was doing. This went on for weeks. I didn’t even want to put on eyeliner or mascara because I knew I would just cry it off. I couldn’t breathe. It was eating me up inside. The only thing that helped was writing in my journal, facts about myself and what I was doing every day. It helped me feel grounded and fight the urge to want to pick up again.
One morning, I dialed the Pastor’s number and asked him for an appointment to discuss how I was feeling. He told me to come meet him at the church. I took a hot shower and got dressed. I started doing my you go girl makeup: I put a light layer of flawless foundation on, then a little tearless translucent powder over my forehead, cheeks, nose and chin. I applied a winged liner and smudged it around my eyes. I added curious brown arches to my eyebrows and finally added Just Black mascara and pink lipstick to my face and looked in the mirror. When I saw my completed work, I knew I was ready for change.
A couple days after meeting with the pastor, I moved into a house managed by the church, where I have my own room and bathroom. It’s been two months now and I couldn’t be happier. I saw how I can manifest things through my writing to make everything good. Through self-reflection, I truly believe that in order to wholeheartedly love yourself you must first accept and forgive yourself. Letting go of your past is the hardest part, but it is so worth the effort.
