Title of Tip: Living in Your Truth
Name: Kiara Ward, 23
Description: Living in your truth means taking accountability for the things you have done and dealing with things that were done to you that were out of your control. When I was in prison, my life was in a really bad place. I blamed everything that happened on everyone else. My mother should have loved me more; my dad should have stepped up; my aunt should have done this. Everything was everyone else’s fault; nothing was my fault. I would not talk about it. I was not honest or truthful about everything I had done. Holding all of that in was hurting me; it was eating me up. It was making me into someone I did not want to be. I was not a person anybody wanted to be around. I had to take accountability for things I was not proud of. I also had to deal with things that hurt me. I realized I was not my past. I am not who I was a year or two ago. I am who I am today. I keep evolving and changing. You don’t have to be stuck in your past; when you live in shame, you are stuck in your past. Everything is going to be on repeat until you get out of it.
A lot of my friends who were addicts say the things they did in the past kept them using because the past was lurking in their minds. It is hard to look deeply in the mirror and confront who you are and what you have done. When you take accountability, you feel like a weight is lifted off your back. You become at peace with yourself. You get to start a new life because nothing holds you back. No monsters are hiding in the back of your head, waiting to get you at your darkest moments. If people throw your past up in your face, it won’t hurt because you have already made peace with it and are not carrying it around anymore.
Instructions: Start by taking a good look at yourself—take a mental inventory. Do you feel ashamed about things you have done? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone? Do you feel like nobody knows you? If things happened to you as a kid, like being molested, realize you aren’t to blame. You did not do anything wrong. You were a kid. Then, start cleaning out your closet. Don’t do it all at once because you will overwhelm yourself. You will have to pull things out slowly. When you tell people your life story, what is the part you leave out? Those are the things you have to begin to pull out slowly. Sometimes, it becomes too much, so taking a break is okay. As you are pulling them out, you must deal with them. Relive the moments, but don’t get stuck in them. See yourself empowered in those moments. You are no longer the victim, so you can begin loving yourself. Give yourself grace. Even when you think about the worst thing you ever did to somebody, say, “Hey, that’s not who I am anymore. I’m someone different.” You can still be remorseful but don’t hate yourself.
Learning: When I was in prison, I joined a group called IOP because I knew it would give me time off my sentence. I learned so much from being in that group. Our teacher played a video called Getting Out from Under Shame. It talks about shame and what it does to you and how it is not normal to feel shame. It was so funny because the day we watched that video, I got on the phone with my mother and little sister. My little sister brought up something I did to my mom, and I literally started crying so hard because I felt ashamed. It had been years; I’ve never apologized for it. I would always blame it on her as if she were why I did it. I realized that it was not okay. I cannot keep doing that.Story: I stole a lot of money from my mom’s card. I had my own money, but I would use her money. When my mom found out about it, I never apologized or told her sorry. In my head, I made excuses for myself. Like, Oh well, oh well, oh well, she’s always talking crazy anyways, so I don’t care. I watched my brother and sisters growing up, so she owes me; I was in her house watching her kids anyway. I used whatever excuses I could to make myself feel better. Honestly, I was ashamed of what I had done. But I did not want to admit that. So, we were on the phone as I sat in my bunk in prison. We were having a general conversation when my sister said, “Oh, do you remember when you stole all that money from Mommy’s card?” At that moment, I instantly froze. I did not expect it to hit me like it did because my mom had brought it up in the past, and I just excused it in my head. For some reason, when my sister brought it up that day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just felt so horrible. Why would I do that? I’m such an awful person. At that moment, I brushed past it because I did not want to discuss it. Later that night, I was in the shower thinking, How could I do that to her? My mom and I have never had the best relationship, but no one deserves to have something stolen from them. At that moment, I had to take a deep inventory. Even though I felt bad, I understand why. We had discussed the situation before, and I never really expressed remorse. I did not know how to make it right because, as I said, my mom and I did not have the best relationship. I knew in my mind and heart that I had to make it right. It was her money, but I was the one who was torn up and crying about it. The next day, I called her and told her, “Hey, I am sorry for doing that. I know it’s been a long time. I probably should have said this years ago, but I am sorry.” I should not have withheld my apology for so long because people sometimes want more than understanding. On top of my stealing from her, I withheld this apology, and this remorse was like an extra knife in her back. After I apologized, she said, “Well, it’s been a long time.” I couldn’t let her response dictate the way I felt. That is another tip: don’t let people’s responses when making amends negate what you are trying to do. You are doing this for yourself. This is not about anyone else. I began to love myself. Being so ashamed makes you not love yourself. When you have self-love, you love every part of yourself—the good, the bad, the ugly. You’re hiding from yourself when you are ashamed. I did not even know myself before being incarcerated. I knew parts of myself, the parts other people liked. I did not know what I liked about myself. I’m funny. I have like a dry humor. I love that I am committed when I do things now. Before, I would do stuff half-assed. I like the fact that I am empathetic to others. I will cry for other people before I cry for myself because my heart bleeds for people.